Rage

A Bitter Lesson
September 9, 2001

As I sit here and listen to this one sided conversation that will determine if I ever see you again,

I have to stop and think how fucked up this all is.

How fucked up it ALL is.

And then my mind wanders into why the fuck we are even here and what are we working for?

We work to live, to eat, to drink…
…to exist together, to fight with each other.

To hate, to kill, to resent, destroy…
…to BREAK down the existence of our fellow human being.

Who the fuck can I trust?

With my feelings, my madness, (my money)

The lesson learned is bitter indeed.

I will hold onto these things, thank you very much.

Who are you to judge?
No one asked you anyway.
Flippantly disregard my pain,
"get over it, you've got a brain."

It angers me, makes me sad too,
you have no damn idea of what these diseases can do.
You think since you can get over it I can too.

Stand in such judgment,
you have me all figured out,
I'm just a lazy pothead,
think I'd be better off dead.

You can't grasp the need for release,
don't understand my struggle for peace,
don't care it makes my thoughts cease.

And what irks me the very most,
uneducated fools who believe,
anti depressants are bad for you,
back off, you have no fucking clue.

So you have all the answers, you've figured it out,
in reality you have no idea what anxiety is about,
So shut the fuck up and get the fuck out.

Betrayed
11/14/04

Just try and tell me you don't care,
as you waste my time again.
Why did you bother me for hours?
If nothing mattered to you?

Because beyond the sickness there is life,
bound now in chains self imposed,
but somewhere inside, you knew you were wrong,
lashed out at me from untold desperation.

Betrayed yourself, ruined something pure,
all that surrounds you brought you down
Nothing I can do if you don't reach for help,
across this trench I cannot reach your soul.

Bitch
12/16/04

Your such a bitch,
love to start shit,
but you can't take it,
when I throw it back in your face.

I didn't want to talk to you,
didn't want to recall what I went through,
blocking out all the shitty things you do,
but you opened your foul mouth again.

You say you had forgotten me,
but it's clear for me to see,
you know in your heart your hypocrisy,
as you throw me your hatred.

You act so fucking shocked!
To see the way your mocked!
It's such a fucking crock!
No one talks to us like that!

You think you can just call us names?
You think you can just play your games?
Don't you have any fucking shame?
Does your son hear you talk like that?

And that's another thing that kills me!
He hasn't been raised as a child should be!
You say you love him but you let him see,
his parents beat each other up all day!

What have you to be proud of?
Not one thing to me you said you should of!
I don't need your so called "love"
your friendship is poison and your soul is dead.

There is something I said to you,
and I swear on my life I speak the truth,
I don't want to ever see or hear you,
you don't exist to me anymore!

Bitterness
September 6, 2001

All of the doubt, distrust, insecurity,
comes from people like you.
So casual with friendship,
"I care"
"I love to listen"
(I use you for practice)
(I pounce on opportunity)
Take the money and run,
bitterness is instilled,
because of people like you.
Fuck you very kindly.

Fed Up
12/17/04

Falling, breaking,
my energy you're taking,
leave me alone I'm fucking shaking,
Can't you see my heart is breaking?

Words of hate you spew at me,
all you care is no one else sees,
you bitch you rage you whine no heed,
killing my spirit and my soul it bleeds.

I don't know how more I can take of you,
while leaving me alone would be the worst thing you could do,
boundaries not just crossed but barged through,
your on shaky ground and you know it's true.

How dare you criticize my ways?
And cry that it's your special day?
you had a choice, you did it anyway,
forget my pain, you've had your say.

All I know is I am breaking,
and there is not much time left for changing,
things will evolve or because I can't take it,
the way things are, we'll never make it.

Fucking Bitch
11/26/04

When I think of you
"fucking bitch"
comes to mind,
for what you did to him,
are you insane?
Are you addicted to pain?
Abusive lovers,
I don't even blame his father as much as
you,
yes he left my love,
and that is inexcusable,
but he was running from you.

You cast down those around you,
you pass judgment when no one respects you,
you try to act so fucking cool,
you are a joke to me you fool.

For I know all your secrets,
and I have seen your expressions of hate,
he didn't run to me,
he ran from you.
I don't even know if i believe that you
regret it,
ya you cry but I've seen you cry when
I knew it was fake.
I've seen you pound your fist and shake,
and throw things and scream and hate,
and all these things you passed to him,
I hate you for the rage you bring,
you fucking didn't do anything,
he needs you now and you aren't helping.

You know I hate you but you drip sweet words,
you know he tells me what you say you dope,
you don't believe we really tell each other everything?
I know all about you,
stupid mores,
money whore,
you think money equals love,
hah where's your love now?

You leek those tears and sigh,
oh I have my babies home you cry,
so oblivious, your daughter knows now,
she sees the truth and who you are now,
she hates you too.
Your other son is stupid and insane
and get it out of your fucking brain,
that my love will forgive him,
he does not exist in our world.

My love resents you and only even tolerates you
for his sister.
You drunk ass calls, your pill poppin buzz,
you probably don't even remember these things,
but I do.

He is your fucking son,
and you are so wrong.
And if there is a hell, you are going.

When I think of you
"fucking bitch"
comes to mind....

Go Ahead
12/17/04

I can tell you how it began,
but not how it will end,
all that happened in between,
is catching up again.

Oh how I remember the days,
when this was commonplace,
not quite this extreme of course,
but I remember the face of hate.

Now it's done and over,
you say I took a piece of you,
though I overlook a lot things,
you will pay for wrongs you do.

So if you feel controlled just recall,
the lies you fed me the distrust you bred,
I won't live here in fear anymore,
you want to leave? Go ahead.

Guilt Trip
October 4, 2001

You enter with the pretense of seeking answers,
but you ask no questions.
Retreat to a place of self reproach when you are called on your words.
I stand by, watching, idly,
waiting for you to make your true intentions known.

A curt reply, typed lines dipped in a sea of guilt,
“Have months become years?”
I demand a halt to your games.
Since you claim to know me,
you should know I don’t like them.

You reveal the truth with another slice of guilt.
Reminding me of a question I once asked you.

Yes I know who you are,
but why did you have to play these games?
Aren’t you capable of playing it straight?
Aren’t you able to let it go?
I was someone you hardly knew,
so why the fuck are you here,
pretending to be someone you are not,
for the sake of getting to me?

Still I feel the guilt you intended,
so congratulations, I care about you.
But you have no right to make a fool of me,
and so that I won’t let you do.

Why can’t you just make yourself known?
must you come and cause strife and conflict here?
you enter with a fake name, under false pretenses
play with people’s words, opposing in the name of fun
mind your manners while you are here
games affecting my emotions I will not play.

My Corner
10/31/04

How about this?
You go over there,
and I'll crawl over here,
and we can just be quiet.

And I'll just be silent with my thoughts,
and forget about love for awhile,
I'll stay in my little corner:
don't you come over here again!

Shut up! I don't want to hear you,
I love you but hush baby, enough.
Round and round we go,
just go away and take these thoughts with you.

I'm too tired to fight with you,
too stressed to even think,
so just go away for awhile,
I'll stay here in my corner, alone.

I cannot contain this
pounding walls, head, knees with clenched fists,
to release the pressure of this pain,
this anguish, this anger, this hate.
and how I am pissing my life away,
unable to feel anything but hurt,
hunger for love and happiness,
but that idea was a lie,
whispered to help little girls sleep at night.
just a dream, reality is harsher,
either way I am alone so why should I fucking care?
just leave leave, it's easier to forget the shit when I'm alone anyway.

She finds me through the shadows,
the boredom consumes her, she surfs right on in.
Brief introduction, hey I know you!
Who knew we felt the same and can we get together?

Friends from the start, she knows all about me,
my poetry bares all and really
isn't meant for people I will ever see.
All this we have in common,
troubled minds, troubled lovers,
depressive hearts and obsessive minds.
We bond.

A young mother,
a scatterbrained friend,
besides our obvious challenges,
our lives are opposites.

I glimpse some early signs,
fighting all the time with him,
though,
I never would have guessed this.

One day she appears, shaking
bloody knee, son in arms,
hand him to me, he clings.
This scares me, not like him.
What the fuck is going on here?

Ah I learn way to quickly,
shaking and smoking and crying she tells me,
this is her life, she is battered,
in point of fact she batters too.
And now I'm introduced to these things,
I didn't want to know.

And I reserve my judgment,
though take actions that must be done,
I do not change my attitude toward "him"
he is my friend too in fact,
and I know it goes both ways.

Then one day I know they argue,
she is bitching to me online,
I sigh, long time no message,
she does not reply.
THEN: "call the cops"
OMG hm ok I do.
Bu she typed never mind, ya well
they are on the line.

The worst thing I have ever done is
I warned her, found out much later,
she left.
If I had not warned her, perhaps
that fucker would be in jail!

I don't even remember anymore,
how many times she came crying to me,
I don't even remember anymore,
how many times she blew me off,
never called or replied.

All I know is I reached a point,
I was tired of it,
she is very...... mental
when we fight we fight like lovers,
most ridiculous shit! And I find myself
begging her, "what's wrong here?
can't we get along, CHILL!"

But she doesn't know how to let anything go.

Eventually, it ends.
Getting back borrowed possessions,
hearing a lot of bullshit.
And she goes off on me,
says things, horrible things,
she had NO RIGHT.

Using things I told her in confidence,
to torment and make fun of me,
to make me feel bad, for no other reason than
she's mad.
I realize how petty, so petty,
I will wrestle with trust now,
she fucked me.

So Petty
10/20/04

It's such a smack in the face,
every time I am reminded how petty
the average human being can be.

Do I have this in me as well?
Am I fooling myself to think that I am above this?

Is it just women, do men stoop so low?
All I've seen around me would suggest,
woman carry trivialities in their hearts,
and pass nonsense on to others,
who take them way to seriously and do not see,
how absolutely positively catty they are being.

It is such an undesirable quality,
and I will actively seek to avoid such things in my life.
I am guilty of a multitude of sins, this I can't deny,
but to say things just to hurt people,
to complain about me, behind my back,
to be such a goddamn bitch about stupid little things,
GOD I hope I am above that.

You know you think that you have hurt me,
but I've seen your face before,
I know why you get defensive,
I see right through your wall.

I know reality could hurt you, 
so you push all truth away,
don't want to go beyond the barriers,
where your love will let you play.

With a noose at both ends,
and your will right in the middle,
and me overlooking it all,
from somewhere out the window.

Cause you've pushed me right aside,
cause I will not stay in the bounds,
these fucking games you love to play,
have only brought you down.

And I feel for you I do,
despite everything I care,
cause I know there is within you,
someone true and someone real.

But you've betrayed her and I'm glad,
I found out now about this stranger,
so go ahead and crawl into his arms,
but don't come crying to me later.