False Reflection
July 23, 2001 7:05am

What is happening to me?
Little hollows,
Bones that show that never did
You can see blue where my blood flows

I look in the mirror
And there’s a different reflection
That’s exactly the same to me

Somehow I am changing
Becoming one of the 
“beautiful people”
Standards set that I am slowly 
Finally meeting

But it changes nothing
I still see the same thing
A little girl trying to be beautiful
A lost carcass seeking life
An unattainable idea of perfection

A false reflection
Of what I will never be

Fear

Shadows on the street hide your face, but not the fear that is forever in your heart.

You walk quietly across the bridge.

You get on the ride and before it even starts you want to get off.

But it's too late, the strap is on and ready or not, it goes.

Wild and crazy, your heart in your throat and blood in your ears, exploding with feeling.

Fear. Wanting to leave but you are trapped.

For You
July 20, 2001

All that I have
I would give away
If I could take this from you
For one single day

This pain that you feel
As you lay down your head
I would steal it from you
I would take it instead

Cause you don’t deserve this
And though neither do I
I have lived through it
My tears have been cried

The needle so sharp
And rusty from wear
Pierces the heart
And it’s not fucking fair

But someday you’ll smile
As much as you frown
And as lost as you are
Someday you’ll be found

There’s light in your eyes
And hope in your heart
And when you forget
Your new life will start

Glazed
August 21, 2001 (night)

Why do I have to feel this?
Eyes glazed over from the rush.
Physical sensations,
emotional surges.

Worthless.
Pointless.
Hopeless.

I feel these concepts
flow through my heart, 
consume my soul,
and pulse in my hands.

It hurts.

It actually hurts my body.

Sitting in the bath tub,
hugging my knees.
Looking at myself,
from somewhere else,
and I fucking hate what I see.

This child,
this lonely child.
Scarred and abandoned.
Trying to grow up.
Rise from the ashes
of a life lived in fear,
to become
what I never dared hope
I could be.

Gone
February 21, 2002

Broken, defeated, torn down.
Spirals of hope that lead to nowhere.
Spasms of pain all consuming,
nothing justifies this hatred, anger, hurt.
Why is this me?

Things I see so clearly,
more in tune than many my age.
Going nowhere, knowledge I cannot use,
as I am trapped within the truth of it,
in tune yet out of touch,
aware yet completely fucking gone.

Head pulsing, pounding, exploding…
with these ideas I do not invite,
images I don't want to see,
feelings I do not need,
and do not deserve.
No one deserves this.

Hate
September 8, 2001

Why am I dancing around the issue?
I want to fucking die.

I hate my mind,
obsessed with trivialness.
Circles, circles,
I get nowhere for all my pondering.

I hate my body,
every changing, ever aging,
No matter how close to their standards I get,
I will never meet my own.

I hate my heart,
it breaks every day,
a thousand tiny cracks,
letting bitterness seep through.

Home

I’m hungry, tired, chilled to the bone
Lost and alone, my soul aches for home
Standing at the ocean's edge, water tickles my toes
Trying to recall how it began, thinking nobody knows

The beautiful waves and the awesome power
Picks at my heart and finds a flower

All that I am afraid to be
Washes away to the beyond of the sea
Living this life so rigidly
But my mind and heart ache to be free

I’m looking for the peace I forgot
I’m looking for the faith I lost
I’m looking for home

I Care
July 20, 2001

I look at my hand
Pale in comparison
To your hand

Clutched together

A tear drops
Is it yours?
Or mine?

I feel your pain
I care 
More than you can
Possibly conceive

I Wrote This Today

(6/22/00)

I’m Fine
May 2001

Trying so hard
To keep it inside
Trying so hard
To not run and hide
Trying so hard
To not want to die
Trying so hard
To not have to cry

Trying so hard
To not be so shy
Trying so hard
To figure out why
Trying so hard
To grow wings and fly
Trying so hard
To fucking get by

Trying so hard
To not have to lie
When I look in your eyes
And tell you I’m fine

I’m trying so hard…
To not have to know
To not feel this low
To let myself glow
To watch myself grow
To let it all go
To reap what I sow
To put down what I tow
To get lost in the flow

To not have to show
The lie that’s exposed
When I look in your eyes
And tell you I’m fine

Insecurity I
September 9, 2001

I simply cannot take this.
You do not understand this insecurity.
This insecurity that feeds my obsession.
I do believe you are trying, but you cannot conceive.

Ancient patterns of thought I try so hard to deny.
But the grooves have been made and I stay in the rut.
I hate myself, and all that I could be.
I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember.

I feel the eyes on me and physically cringe.
I do not want the world to see my face.
A knot of tension feeds on my heart.
As I find myself surrounded by people I don’t want to know.

Insecurity II
September 28, 2001

Can you not confine me here?
Keep me home feeling
isolated and paranoid…
jumpy and scared.

Am I not a slave to you?

Prisoner to your whims,
you call upon me,
this familiar space in my mind you oh so casually tap into again.
I feel you eating away at false security,
built up over time out of survival instinct,
but disregarded in a second,
as the first blurry sight of you snaps sharply into focus.

You invade the wall I have built,
reassurances whispered to myself,
I watch these words crumble and fall away,
into the big nothing that is you,
and you swallow them,
empowered by the sense of
failed beginnings and
torn down hope,
that now has a huge red ex on it.

When I see the concept of beauty in my head,
it is broken.
You did that to me.

I don’t believe I will ever overcome you,
Though I will probably be trying till the day I die.
But have I not been faithful?
Despite my attempts at a casual affair 
with confidence,
it has never even extended past a second in time.

Have I not been here for you always?
To torment and torture,
defile and defame?

So can I not ask you for this one thing,
this one little thing I desire,
to set my soul free, to clear my head
for even one moment?

Would you just let me have peace for awhile?

Leave me here alone, and let me get over you?
Give me some time to smile and mean it,
for people to see the light I have inside on my face,
and to feel the warmth I am capable of in their hearts.

Last week I felt you slip.
You regained lost ground easy enough and 
built yourself right back up in less time than it took me to
think the thing that tried to negate you….
but you slipped.

And now I find myself longing,
wanting, needing,

Wandering….
Oh won’t you ever let me go?
For even just a second?

Insomnia
Wed August 15, 2001
(Approximately 9am)

So tired, but I can’t sleep
Stay awake, craving dreams

All alone, you went to bed
Need my blanket for my head

Thoughts intrusive, always there
If I could sleep I wouldn’t care

Head is heavy, again I yawn
Want the peace to which I’m drawn

So tired, but I can’t sleep
Stay awake, silent scream

Kill Me
September 22, 2001

Throw me in front of a truck,
stick a needle through my wrist,
pull my ears off and replace them with razors…

But don’t let me hear your cries of pain,
when I can’t do anything to help you.

Kill The Flame
September 3, 2001

What do I have to do to stop this?
Can’t keep it inside.
It pours out my eyes.

And I can’t deny this presence
of nothing.

I feel so alone,
a dimming flame,
surrounded by darkness,
about to encounter
a tidal wave of tears.
And I watch it
from above myself.

I watch the tears
kill the flame.

Lies

I hate me; tearing at my insides
Love ain’t free; why'd you tell me lies?
Trying to be; something not inside of you,
But back now, it's over baby,
You’re through.

Life Interrupted
September 17, 2001

It weighs upon the heavy heart,
giving forth the delusion of shadow.
When all the spirit wants is to break free,
the night intercedes with comfort offered.

Reside without sun by habit,
slipping through routine to taste the light.
Occasional glimpses of life unhindered,
pulled down by this presence of nothing.

Life delayed by thoughts created,
formed and molded madness inside.
Mind overcomes and tastes sparks of life,
patterns learned interrupt sanity.

Listen
September 14, 2001

I don’t know what to say to you.
Your suffering is disheartening.
I’ve been feeling this all my life,
I don’t understand your reaction.

I’ve hardly seen such carelessness,
even within the grasp of pain.
I can’t believe you can say,
you don’t feel for all the suffering.

To compare you life to such a tragedy,
I do feel is a great injustice.
I know exactly how you feel,
at the same time I think you’re crazy. 

You say drinking isn’t the problem,
and I know that that is true.
It’s with you every waking moment,
but alcohol brings it to the surface.

~

Your pain is so poetic,
as you search for words to show me.
Put an image in my head,
of what it’s like for you.

I get irked when you make is seem,
like no one could understand this.
The words you say aren’t new,
these depths has been explored.

I suppose it’s not the same, 
with a pain so fresh as this.
I’ve been feeling it all my life,
I’ve learned how to talk about it.

You keep saying “you know?”
as if seeking comprehension.
When I open my mouth to speak,
you cut me off with recycled words.

It comes down to your obsession.
Something you can’t let go of.
It’s not like I can blame you,
that person you used to be.

So within darkness you’ve been dwelling,
my friend, I’m here for you.
But please just try to hear me,
listen to what I say.

Looking Back

Is there something left for me?
Lift me higher so I can see
Left alone and afraid to be
I say I've paid when you said it was free

Gone away, didn't say goodbye
Left alone again to die
All this shit and still I try
Have to look back and wonder why

Losing Friends I
July 4-5, 2001

It's all too much,
it breaks me.
Everyone is gone,
you're leaving too.

Where do I go now?
What do I do?
Who should I talk to?
who will just hold my hand.

Without friends,
who am I?
By myself,
what does that say about me?

If there's no one to listen,
what does that say
about my words?
And their effect on people.
(you)

I am alone.
And maybe,
despite my fear,
there is a reason.

It's me.

Losing Friends II
July 4-5, 2001

I cannot take this pain.
I have been left alone too often.
Such anxiety.
And if I could,
I would never get close to anyone again.

Because I have been abandoned too many times.
Because I have been forgotten too many fucking times.
And sometimes I'd rather I had never been known
than be forgotten again.
That I had never met you,
so I couldn't miss you...

And all this comes from the need:

to be understood
appreciated
my friendship needed
my personality wanted
my presence desired

And oh, if you just hadn't done these things for me
I'd be ok with what I had.
But you redefined friendship for me,
so now I  remember what I was missing.

What was taken from me
the last time someone
I loved
left me
here.

And I can't go back!
But I have no choice of course.

This is my life.
This is my pain.

I cannot be in this place anymore.
I need to find my way home.