Abandon Body
September 24, 2001

Call for nothing, take me home,
to a place where light is gone.
Minus sunshine, minus night.
No more pain, that is my right.

No need to be here anymore,
lost what I was fighting for.
What I crave is kind release,
abandon body, set me free.

Above

There's got to be a place to hide
Shut off from the thoughts inside
Free from your mouth which lied
Away from all, you are despised

Close your eyes and cover your ears
There is a place beyond your fears
You've been looking for years and years
A place above all your tears

They are there, laughing at you
Tell you one thing, another they'll do
And what this Hell all comes to
Is what in your heart has always been true

There's someone one else controlling me
Never have been what you'd call free
I'm always looking but I never see
So all I can do is wait and be

Someone else. Someone better. Far away.

Afterthought
10/16/04

So what do I want out of this life anyway?
Peace, yes, a taste of happiness now and then,
I don't care what other people think of me,
I want to be beautiful to ME.
And this presents the greatest challenge of all.
For my very idea of beauty is faulty,
taken from images plastered all over the media,
TV commercials for plastic surgery,
billboards selling beer,
clutched in the hand of a bikini clad goddess.
How can I compare??
I can't!

So this leaves me here, I've come full circle,
alone and wondering why I'm even alive.
God's sick little joke perhaps,
or his mistake or maybe
I AM just an idea, and do not even exist.
Maybe I am just an afterthought, and maybe so is he.

All That Is

All you see
Is all you are
Trying to be
Something so far

All you feel
Is all you believed
Doesn't heal
Pain's retrieved

All you live
Gigantic lie
Nothing to give
You failed to try

All that is
The same that was
Merely this
You are the cause

All You Lost
June 2000

There is a line I should not cross,
A place once seen then forever lost.
A smile of gold, such brilliant laughter,
A way of living that I've always been after.
Had it once but made to let go,
Wouldn't have grabbed so fast but now I know.
I moved to quick but now I see
But it's too late now, just let it be.

Alone
(2001?)

I will die alone,
never learning to let go.
I will die far from home.
And I will put on a show.

Go away now, leave me be.
I think you've done enough to me.
Raped me blindly, you just don't see,
I think you've done enough for me.

I am sick and I can't let go,
I will die this way I know.
Lots of blood and all alone,
your face in mind, made of stone.

Alone/Outside
June 22, 2001

-Alone

I look into the dark
I face this daily pain
I douse the fragile spark
I light it up again

I left it all behind
I know it's coming back
I think I wouldn't mind
I have felt the lack

I run away from life
I cry when I'm alone
I go through all the strife
I realize then I'm home


-Outside

I blend into the crowd
I disconnect my face
I try to act so proud
I drown in my disgrace

I smile at all the faces
Ignore the evil hate
I look for any traces
Try to compensate

I finally turn away
I cannot face your stares
I hate the faded way
seems that no one cares

Alone I break...
12/17/04

All alone I cannot be,
need one to know all of me,
the pain the scars that you don't see,
will my soul outshine my crazy mind?

No catch am I as you can tell,
of myself I don't think very well,
takes awhile to crack through my shell,
my thoughts inside, rarely unwind.

Cannot trust, look what happened when I did?
A lot of the fairy tale junk but a lot I have hid.
you know you've fucked up, made so much horrid,
yet all you see is the result, me and all my faults.

But remember you started this shit,
I never doubted you till you had your first fit,
after a handful of times I started to get it,
you love me but you are addicted to lies.

Anger Please
August 2, 2001

Anger through me like a flood
I wanna fucking hit someone
Fading fast since I don't react
Spinning 'round to face the black

Pain is wise, it knows my name
Stomps anger down in shame
Reclaims it's familiar place
Beckons tears to soak my face

Numbness takes over next
Seems it's really all that's left
Pulses cruelly in my head
I'll take my anger back instead

Approach
12/16/04

Faded downcast eyes,
can you see beyond the pain?
Tears of blood fall quietly,
crimson stains upon your soul.

Hunched up, shaking, cold,
knowing terror as death nears,
cowering in the corner you cry,
fear keeps you bound within.

Hands grip your head,
contemplating your existence,
fistfuls of hair and pull,
despair is all you have left.

Shadows approaching finally,
cannot hide from the night,
looking up eyes open wide,
give in to your fate without resistance.

Arrival
October 8, 2001

Aspirations in my heart,
shine, but oh so dimly,
like water gleaming in moonlight.

My downfall is this brain,
sections of matter don't communicate,
sensibility is threatened.

Witness senseless destruction,
as I react emotionally,
to internal insanity.

Arrival to the point of acceptance,
riding the road to nowhere,
because I travel in circles.

Ashes
12/30/04

I am breaking 
I am dying,
I can't breathe,
and I don't want to.

Take it away,
cut you out of me,
deny me my fix,
let me spew all over you.

I am trying so hard
to keep in the tears,
but I can't breathe with them
stuck in my throat.

All I know,
is all that I feel,
is pain and anger,
is utter despair.

I am all alone,
I have died again today.
Sweep away my ashes,
and dust me off your fingers...

I am no more.

Beaten
October 8, 2001

Values versus contentment,
will this existence away.
They've beaten me down with stereotypes.
Images and words,
thoughts I can't ignore.
I sense a confrontation,
a moment of acceptance.
To break free I have to give up,
let them win and let it go.

Because It's Mine

With every step it echoes through my head,
"I hate myself, I want to die."
I think the thoughts, but I don't put them there.
It is my melodrama, but it's not like you think.
It's different (because it's mine?)

The darkness is calling me,
the father of lies.
I've always had happiness in my heart,
it still comes back sometimes.

Nothing I can't imagine,
in the depth and darkness of my mind.
Mutilation.
Because it's mine.

Believe
12/10/04

I don't want to loose you,
lay down my broken tools,
leave this all behind and start anew,
this path in life we didn't choose,
it chose us, now we loose.
Passed is the time to make do,
I've been through hell and back with you,
I want to start over, to click redo,
to move forward and be alone with you,
to watch you do all the things I know you can do,
the things you did before they fucked with you,
when you took care of me cause you know I love you,
our home, our life, I want it with you,
we can do it baby, I believe in you.

Boredom
12/19/04

Boredom settles and consumes,
ripping open scabs on old wounds,
staring wide eyed at the white walls,
seeing everything and nothing at all.

Seek to distract where are my drugs,
seeking interaction, no one is up to hug,
seeking unattainable perfection,
so I can smile for once at my reflection.

Scanning through the Nothing Zone,
thinking everyone must be at home,
or out enjoying a Saturday night,
while I sit here with no one in sight.

My nemesis and nothing new,
boredom controls one and consumes,
sanity slipping, soul is reaching,
can anyone really grasp this feeling?

Broken*

So little today is cherished,
and so many beautiful thoughts are wasted.
Spirits are crushed and flesh is bruised,
Plenty is the blood you've tasted.

"But I have nowhere else to go" you say,
And so you perish day by day.
You drink to forget the throb in your eye,
And despite the pain you stay.

Where do you go from here, except in circles?
Feeling it again and again.
The memories pain you more that your leg,
And this monster is your best friend.

I know he can be beautiful when he's happy,
But anger and alcohol make him a dangerous lover.
You are fighting for your very life,
Your freedom he steals as you run for cover.

Your pride he takes as you scream,
"Don't touch me,"
But all is forgotten in the next breath,
"Officer, what will bail be?"

It cannot stop, yet it must.

It crushes my spirit, and so I can only imagine what it does to you.

~~~~~~~~~


*For Shannon, and all the women like her.

Broken, Fixed
July 4-5, 2001

Broken, Fixed
Broken again

Pain consuming
Thoughts tense my muscles
Tear at my heart
Break my soul
to damage my body

Full circle
Fucking cycle

Broken, Fixed
Broken again

Get over it
Live through it
Face it
Accept it
Control it
Conquer it...

See it
Feel it
Do it
Be it
Live it...

Get over it
Face it
Control it...

I am murdered by it

Full circle
Fucking cycle

Broken, Fixed
Broken again

Broken Frame
February 5, 2002

Put me on a shelf,
like an array of photographs framed to preserve a moment in time.
(I wish this was Me)
But I am the picture that is broken,
my frame tore away and now a memory lying flat and lifeless, 
placed upon the shelf.
Keep me around to remember a time when we felt alive,
to preserve what you thought you could never have,
but now fear lost.
But I am just cluttering up your living space,
maybe you should throw me away.

Burst
11/22/04 
1pm

Worthless, pointless, hopeless,
these concepts are getting old.
Aren't you tired of me yet?
Don't you ever wish I were happy,
and would just shut up?

Nothing bad happened to me,
I wasn't abused, I wasn't used,
I wasn't hurt any more than what is normal.
Yet I sit here and cry out my heart,
what the hell is wrong with me?
A family that loves me,
my boyfriend would die for me,
but inside, little things build up and
I burst.... and I,
loose my mind again.

Can't Help You
May 2001

Chemical Imbalance
November 23, 2001

There's something wrong within me,
and it feels like it won't change.
When it attacks it kills my spirit,
and peace is out of range.

And I know that this is stupid,
and I know that I am wrong.
And I feel I could get over this,
if my brain would play along.

Cause I see it makes no sense,
and I see it's killing us,
but this panic attacks blindly,
and it feels like broken trust.

In normal situations,
I feel so out of touch.
An obsession keeps me doubting,
and chokes me in it's clutch.

And all day I'll be thinking,
of that little thing you said.
And the cycles that go through me,
will exhaust this aching head.

But I cannot make it stop,
I go back to the beginning.
When it leaves it does so freely,
so I hardly call that winning.

And now all that I can do,
is seek the one thing that may aid.
Cause this chemical imbalance,
is driving me insane.

Circles
September 11, 2001

I can't express my torment,
I cannot get across.
How I think and what goes through my mind and that part of me I've lost.

A single dying ember,
cries out to be set free.
But the winds of madness that prevail will never let that be.

Thoughts and words in circles,
always comes out the same.
I try to hide myself from this but it's a thing I can't contain.

Amazing insecurity,
I confront this everyday,
I beg for it to leave me but it will not go away.

I want to be something different,
Without the craziness inside,
Cause it's been built up and fed and now it's something I can't hide.

Everyday I struggle,
Every thought I fear,
For it starts with just one little thing and becomes a flood of tears.

Compulsion
11/4/04

Why do I do this to myself?
Punishment?
Maybe...
Compulsion?
Most certainly.

I always regret it,
I am scarring myself,
I am killing my body,
I can see what I am doing,
from above myself, and
I see that it is wrong,
yet I cannot stop it.

How do I fix this?
Knowledge is the first step,
but I have been at that stepping stone
for years now, 
where does it go from here?

Confronting Fear
September 9, 2001

I picked a spot in my mind and existed there for awhile.
When I got bored I turned around to face my fears.
But all I saw was sadness.
So I stopped searching and thought about that.

And now as I am flushed with the harsh reality of self awareness,
and I have seen and tasted the delicate flames of hope,
I find a new spot in my mind where there resides fear.
And confronting this has been harsh for me.

Cursed
September 30, 2001

The tragedy of this world,
is that being so insightful,
so aware of the bullshit,
seeing sharp, feeling deep,
the tragedy is that,
in this cruel world,
that is a bad thing.

I want to be mindless,
a slave to the media.
No values, no opinions,
no problems with anything…
just feed me and I'll take it,
just fuck me and I'll love it,
just steal self esteem and replace it with fantasy,
and I'll thank you.

Because the tragedy of this life,
is naiveté is rewarded,
thoughtless pursuit is appreciated,
obedience is relied upon.

So I am thrust into apparent stupidity.
Fully aware, observant, and thoughtful…
or cursed.
However you want to look at it.

Cutting
9/27/04

I want to cut my skin again
I want to see the oozing red
I want these feelings to be fed
pain and scratches, veins are bled

Dull the hurt and shut my eyes
Feel the pain that I contrive
Remind me I am indeed alive
Feeling of peace must soon reside

Need to let it out, let it go
See the blood and watch it flow
Mix it with my tears and see the show
My drama, the peace it helps me know

But why bother, nothing changes
I could do it all and still be hating
this life I feel, it's all abating
Left right back here and I'm still waiting

But all peace is gone and I can't find
A safe place in my mind to hide
I'm sitting here, I wonder why
All my life... I've wanted to die.

Damaged
August 21, 2001 (day)

Cannot change just what I know,
certain scars will always show.
In many ways I broke the mold,
now my pain's just getting old.

Cannot alter what I've seen.
Carry shame from where I've been.
Broken torment breathes inside,
awakens to uncover lies.

Can't deny the hurt I felt,
don't know why hope never helped.
Life's been broken, torn apart,
wears me down, damaged heart.

Daylight
August 1, 2001

I am alone now,
in the face of
sobriety.
Daylight
haunts me,
Reminds me
of all the things
I won't get done

Deathly Cold
11/23/04

Feeling just a little crazy,
skirting the edge of insanity,
want to give up and let it take me,
forever my madness consumes me.

Running out of ways to numb,
can you help me out, can you get me some?
I see the future, from noose I'm hung,
bloody nose, out hangs my tongue.

Deathly cold and a startling sight,
but no longer have to fight this fight,
I can see it all on one lonely night,
Giving it up and it feels so right.

But don't worry about me,
these are sights you'll never see,
no idea where life will take me,
but hell is my choice, so I will continue to be.

And keep on being just a little crazy,
keep on skirting the edge of insanity,
still want to give up and let it take me,
instead forever my madness will consume me.

Decayed Elegance
10/21/04

Patterned obsessions have ruled my life,
presented as shadows or dreams that never die.
But are never fulfilled.
The healing eludes me, I sit here, 
my wounds still fresh, my heart still broken,
lost in this life,
bored to the brink of insanity.
Faith so fleeting, comes and goes,
what have I got to believe in anyway?
the promise of things I have not seen,
my life remains this hell, 
despite my prayers, and I have 
given up inside.
I am surrounded by people who love me,
but can't know my soul, my fear, my pain,
which everyday haunts me, encasing me with
doubt and distrust and despair.
It is a decayed elegance that I now embrace,
I hold my head up high, look you in the eye,
but my soul wilts more every day, what you see is
not what you get.
Mutilated and desiccated,
as my soul dies a little more every minute.

Desired Beauty
August 10, 2001
(Approximately 6:30 am)


In the beauty of others,
(walking down the street)
I see my imperfections.

The short shorts that flaunt
perfect, narrow hips,
seen every day in my head,
(and the Laundromat)

The firm breasts
that sell horny men beer
mock me from a sign
above the ice cream éclairs.

When my best friend breaks his neck,
changes from
responsible driver,
smooth transition to,
typical male
to stare at this perfect little
size 7 body
packed into
a size 6 dress.

These are the things
that remind me
that I will never be quite
Good Enough.
But forever almost there,
grasping at a
misunderstood concept
of desired beauty.

Done and Gone
11/25/04

You see my fate,
written on the walls
in blood.
Done.
Nothing left to give,
alone and numb,
staggering,
shattered sanity 
releasing me..
free from reality,
Gone.
Missed yet overlooked,
as life goes on,
without my awareness.

And after all, 
it will go on.

Crave such desolated ground,
where some peace can be found,
as true madness,
death of mind,
consumes me.

Don't Speak
1/31/05

The agony lies
in what I perceive from your eyes,
even though you've denied, 
I feel the truth in my heart.

My life at a standstill,
or even goin' downhill,
the surface shows no will,
my struggles lie beneath.

Addictions run deep,
but my obsessions I keep,
binds me here I weep,
you see but cannot know.

I am not like you,
don't have the strength that you do,
to do whatever you have to,
I cannot survive.

I cannot survive.

Down To My Death
11/17/04

I am a tattered goddess,
ripped clothes,
runny nose,
can't fight them off much longer.

Clawing up from the ground,
boney grasp,
cold clasp,
raking at my feet, pulling.

Body's in a state of shock,
I am numb,
for what is to come,
drawing closer to my brain.

Clawing up from deepest depths,
my despair,
has caught me here,
and pulled down I drown in death.

Dream
11/15/04

I've tried so hard to spread my wings,
take off from solid ground and fly,
cut the gnarled, knotted strings,
that hold me here and make me cry.

free and unbound by trivialities,
free from my insanities,
free from soul numbing addictions,
free from all earthly afflictions.

Unfettered,
unbothered,
unaware of
what matters...

...but this is just a dream.

Bound,
I am, and
on ground,
I stand.

Tied down I remain,
held captive by pain.
I keep my head down,
in depression I drown.

And I release the dream
that I will ever fly free.

Drifting Back
2001

I am drifting,
Can't believe
I'm back here again.
I'd gotten so far,
Tasting these things
I've done without.
Then it's stolen from me,
So casually.
Now I'm alone,
Quiet,
Sunrise again.
No sleep,
And I've been so tired.

Empty

Trapped inside this dying shell,
with nowhere left to hide.
Burnt to ashes and swept to hell,
nothing remaining of pride.

All alone in this dark jail,
my fate in Hell I've spied,
I'm not doing very well,
I feel like I've already died.

There's nothing left inside my head,
it's all been cried away.
Empty, lonely, cold and dead,
and now there's nothing more to say.

Enter Fear
Wed August 15, 2001
(Approximately 8:40am)

With the displacement of
Utter despair….
….enters fear.

of losing this viewpoint…
of slipping back again…
of falling away, getting lost…

I’m giving all of myself
to hold on.
And so far I am winning.

But I’m terrified.

Because if I ever go completely back,
I believe it would break me.